Reconstruction Calls
Reconstruction Calls by Emily Turner
It was nighttime when Nicodemus made his way to see Jesus. Why did he wait until it was dark to approach the Rabbi? As a Pharisee, I imagine he was most likely busy with tasks and commitments during the day, securely locked into his position both figuratively and literally, with little room to move around, let alone explore.
Did it take the dark to quiet his mind, giving him space to realize he had questions, questions about the way of life he knew, had once revered and still represented. Or perhaps the dark gave him courage, courage to go and ask? How long had these questions been nagging at him, lodged in his soul with no one to receive them?
I wonder what type of fuss, chaos and real danger he would have caused to have gone to Jesus in broad daylight – did he fear disruption to the connections and people he served? Did he fear disrupting his own SELF – breaking open what he had known for so long?
Would they have said, “What are you doing?” “Where are you going?” Don’t you still love us?” I can only imagine.
How many of us see reflections of ourselves in Nicodemus?
“3 Now there was a Pharisee named Nicodemus, a leader of the Jews. 2 He came to Jesus[a] by night and said to him, “Rabbi, we know that you are a teacher who has come from God; for no one can do these signs that you do apart from the presence of God.” 3 Jesus answered him, “Very truly, I tell you, no one can see the kingdom of God without being born from above.”[b] 4 Nicodemus said to him, “How can anyone be born after having grown old? Can one enter a second time into the mother’s womb and be born? ”
- John 3:1-5, Revised Standard Version
Aaron Manes, trained spiritual director, spends time talking and listening to Christians, and sometimes those of other faith traditions, who no longer connect to the theology, worship and overall way of church they’ve traditionally known. In other words, his spiritual direction ministry is focused on spending time with folks who are wrestling with a lot of questions.
Like the Pharisee in the night, these questions can cause angst, creating feelings of isolation and darkness.
“The image and story of Nicodemus powerfully represents what so many experience when they are going through some sort of faith deconstruction,” explains Manes. “As a Pharisee, Nicodemus was doing all of the right things in his culture, yet he is coming to Jesus at night, because he has lots of questions, questions he doesn’t feel like he can ask during the day.”
What is Faith Deconstruction?
Through one-on-one spiritual direction sessions as well as Reconstruct, a monthly group he has led at Retreat House Spirituality Center, Manes has heard countless stories of church-goers who one day it dawns on them: “this isn’t working anymore.”
“I’ve heard so many stories like this,” Manes shares. “Folks will be going to a church for years, and then they’re sitting in the pew and think - this is the last time I’ll come to this church. But, the reality is, there’s a lot of build up to these moments.”
While we can try and “unsee” the theologies and customs that cause these unwanted feelings, they will most likely continue to fester. Like so many other paths in life, the only way to the other side, to something new, is through.
And, in most cases this includes some disorientation and suffering, and while these are part of the rebuilding, or reconstruction process, it takes time and space for any real, new forms to take shape.
Loss
Think of Jenga, a game invented in the 1970’s consisting of 54, stacked wooden blocks. Participants take turns removing blocks one by one with the intent to keep the tower standing tall. While removal of blocks doesn’t alter the structure at first, eventually, someone is going to pull a block causing the entire design to crash.
“In terms of a metaphor, a Jenga tower is really helpful,” says Manes. The idea that someone pulled my block out of the tower and the whole thing gets wobbly and tumbles down. This is a classic picture of someone’s faith that is so tightly packed together but then they start questioning things, and eventually the whole thing kind of comes apart.”
This coming apart is not only uncomfortable, it an be downright painful. Friendships and associations will likely change, they might even end completely. The comfort of being known by a church community is lost, routines of worship that provided a weekly rhythm are no longer. The idea that something you once loved now might usher in heartache, not joy, the list is varied and specific to each person.
Father Richard Rohr shares this in his book Falling Upward: A Spirituality for Two The Two Halves of Life":
“If you do not transform your pain, you will transmit it,” says Rohr.
Stages of Grief
To assist in sifting through and navigating feelings of loss and disorientation, Manes believes in the power of naming what is experienced. And, recognizing the stages of grief is a place to start:
Denial - In terms of grief, denial is defined as a refusal to accept the facts and can be prolonged by refusing to deal with the consequences of the death: visiting the gravesite, getting rid of personal belongings, or even filing necessary paperwork.
Not connecting with one’s faith any longer can indeed feel like a death and might be played out in different ways.
”The outside no longer matches the inside,” says Rev. Dr. Lil Smith, Trained Spiritual Director and Supervisor. “This can feel disorienting, scary and even traumatic.”
Anger - For some this emotion is a go-to, for others, something that rarely surfaces but instead is kept at bay, under the lid. It can be hard to reckon with anger, as it can feel unruly and unproductive. Author and Spiritual Director Sue Monk Kidd articulates her own experience with anger as she stayed the course in her journey away - at age 39 - from the church constructs she had known since childhood. Words from her book The Dance of the Dissident Daughter paint a beautiful picture of this emotion:
“In the beginning I’d felt the anger like a current, deep and distant, something molten and moving inexorably toward the surface,” says Kidd. “Anger needs not only to be recognized and allowed, like the grief, it eventually needs to be transformed into an energy that serves compassion.”
Bargaining - This, too, plays out differently for each individual, and might sound something like this: “Even though my church doesn’t support women in places of leadership, I really like the music and I have so many friends here.” Or, “It is difficult for me to imagine that God wants LGBTQ to change their preferences, and I don’t think it’s right that the church excludes this community in some ways, but the pastor recognizes my contributions to the weekly devotionals, and there are so many good things here, so maybe I’ll just stay.”
The scenarios are endless, but we could find that we’re making deals with ourselves in hopes to prevent a wave of change - the one we already “know” in our gut - to come barreling forth.
Depression - This emotion is sort of tangled and woven throughout all of the stages of grief. Feelings of deep sadness can come and go, and might even present as changes in normal habits, like sleep and eating. In this case, it is helpful to enlist the assistance of a counselor.
Manes reminds us that while he’s noticed that those going through the deconstruction process normally spend one to two years in this space, there’s really no exact timeline.
Those who are in this process many times feel like a threat to the communities they’re leaving, so identifying a safe space and place is key.
“It is really important to find a safe place,” says Manes. “You need to find people who you aren’t going to freak out - a pastor, a friend, a spiritual director.”
Acceptance - By the time this point is reached, there’s a sense of acknowledgement that surfaces. Examples of sentiments during this phase:“I don’t agree with that style of worship or that principle of exclusion, but I won’t change it with in that community. And, that’s okay.” Or, “The fundamentalist teachings were harmful to my mental health for a long time, but I’ve recognized that now, and I am free to find new spiritual practices that feed my connection to the Holy.”
Smith offers encouragement:
“Be gentle with yourself, as God is faithful to your journey. Eventually, love and hope will emerge.”
Called?
Taking apart and examining the pieces, questioning church teachings as well as one’s spiritual and religious heritage takes a lot of courage and trust. Not only does it take trust that you’ll come out on the other side, but it takes a lot of trust in oneself.
This takes some discernment
“A complicating factor is that a lot of people do not trust themselves, says Manes. “The idea that we each carry the light of God within us is significant, so if we can listen to that Spirit within us, we can trust how God might be leading us to something else.”
Some points of significance to recognize when experiencing the faith deconstruction and reconstruction process in yourself as well as others:
When church systems and structures no longer resonate, it doesn’t necessary indicate a loss of God or loss of belief in God. Sometimes it does, but many times the way in which God has been talked about or depicted no longer offers life to a person, and so, the Holy Spirit calls them to something else.
Consider Ecclesiastes Chapter 3, Verse 1: “To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.” - King James Version
What if for some, God calls them to several different stages, or seasons, in their faith journey?
“Let go of the expectation of recapturing something you used to have in order to grow,” Smith recommends. “At some point, we all have to be in a space of disorientation, or we aren’t ever going to grow in they ways God is calling us.”
Not everyone will experience a faith deconstruction - and that’s okay. It doesn’t make them less than, or wrong, or that they’re not called in specific ways, too. It doesn’t make the ones who are called to deconstruct, better or more right. It just means, for some, this is their truth - a track they must travel.
It also doesn’t mean that the Holy didn’t originally bring or lead a person to the church they, at some point, decide to leave. Don’t beat yourself up for not “seeing” how you see now. You probably weren’t supposed to “see” in that way yet.
Manes offers the story in the Bible, Acts Chapter 10, Verse 11 where the Apostle Peter has a vision of animals being lowered from the heavens as a sort of guide for this type of ground. In the vision, Peter sees all kinds of animals and hears God telling him it was okay to eat them. This vision completely contradicts God’s earlier instruction that eating animals like this would make Peter unclean.
But God is calling him to something different, something new. And, it is also Holy.
Reconstruction
After the disassembling and disorientation part of this process, there’s beauty in what is found on the other side. Kidd describes this beauty as transfiguration - starting in a new place and getting to another. Smith talks about it in terms of alignment:
“When someone feels disoriented after having experienced a deconstruction of old paradigms, the truest form of reconstruction is,” says Smith. “When your internal trust of God matches your external experiences of God.”
She also encourages a variety of ways to replace a sense of fear with awe and wonder:
Developing new God images and metaphors
Trusting your interior, or soul is made in the image of God
Creating a language that is intimate and meaningful when talking with and about God
Mysticism
Building relationships with interfaith friends and neighbors
Listen to Smith and Manes talk about the hope found in finding new ways to connect with God.
Manes, now 42, who experienced his own faith deconstruction in his mid-twenties, has found rich circles of trust and camaraderie with those who have been called from fundamentalist cultures.
“I’ve found, and I encourage others who are seeking, that there is quite a bit of solidarity to be offered,” says Manes. “Lot’s of deep listening and feelings of being welcomed. ”
Manes says he’s found that some are just made up to ask questions and tend to be the journeying type, that they’re just wired this way. But also cautions, that it takes internal work to not fall into the trap of thinking or telling others, “Hey, you’re doing it wrong.”
“If people are responding to the Holy Spirit, then you’ll watch them change over the course of their lives,” says Manes. “This can happen inside or outside of the church, but I don’t believe the Holy Spirit is static.”
As Jesus says over and over again in the Bible, “Do not be afraid.”
Consider this poem by Wendell Berry. If we are called, called to visit Jesus in the night - like Nicodemus, may we have the courage to explore, to leave unfamiliar ground, trusting that the Holy Spirit will guide us in love.
Exploring
Always in the [wilderness] when you leave familiar ground
and step off alone into a new place,
there will be, along with the feelings of curiosity and excitement,
a little nagging of dread.
It is the ancient fear of the Unknown,
and it is your first bond with the wilderness you are going into.
What you are doing is exploring.
You are undertaking the first experience,
not of the place, but of yourself in that place.
It is an experience of our essential loneliness;
for nobody can discover the world for anybody else.
It is only after we have discovered it for ourselves
that it becomes a common ground and a common bond,
and we cease to be alone.
Aaron Manes is a Trained Spiritual Director and Creator and Host of the podcast series Reconstruction Calls. Aaron also is a partner of Retreat House. He would love to hear from you.
Rev. Dr. Lil Smith, is Founder and Director of Retreat House as well as adjunct faculty at Perkins School of Theology’s Certificate in Spiritual Direction (CSD) program and spiritual formation at Southern Methodist University.
Emily Turner is a Retreat House guide, Trained Spiritual Director and writer. She is currently accepting directees.