No bad parts: Exploring Internal Family Systems (IFS) with Tracy DePue
A young part of Tracy DePue carried the wish that she would have told her dad that he should have taken his family with him to the town where he attended seminary. Instead, Tracy, her sister and her mom stayed behind as her dad commuted back and forth to school, sometimes staying for extended periods of time away.
She wanted her family to all be together. Perhaps the little girl who wanted her father at home felt she had to grow up too fast?
“After helping this part unburden from the pain she’d carried for so many years, I asked this part of me that was a little girl what she wanted to do and learned she wanted to play. And more specifically, this younger part of me told me she wanted to go to Disney World!”
While her dad always talked of taking their family to Disney World - they never did make that trip.
Decades have passed since then, and Tracy has served at several churches in music ministry and now works as a spiritual director, retreat leader and most recently trained to become a Level 1 Internal Family Systems (IFS) practitioner. She has lived in various states, traveled abroad, nurtured meaningful relationships with both family and friends - she has lived and continues to live a full life! Not going to Disney World certainly didn’t keep her from enjoying, contributing and experiencing the world around her, but a part of her, the part that needed to play, to have fun, to let go, somewhere along the way became stuck.
“In IFS, we talk about these parts as being exiles. They are the youngest and most vulnerable versions of ourselves,” Tracys says. “They're often the parts that have directly experienced some kind of trauma and then took on the burden of those emotions, leaving them trapped in the past.”
According to IFS Founder Dr. Richard Schwartz, this healing modality is a transformative tool that considers every human being as a system of protective and wounded inner parts led by a core Self. Just like members of a family, inner parts are forced from their valuable states into extreme roles within us. Self is in everyone. It can’t be damaged. It knows how to heal.
Curious compassion
Instead of going straight to a diagnosis like obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) or anxiety, or labeling ourselves as too uptight, or too this or too that, the IFS model invites us to turn towards the parts of ourselves that are causing disruption in our behavior, to dialogue with the part and to ask them what need wasn’t met in the past.
What might they need to let go of? What do they want brought to the light? What needs to be said? What are they afraid would happen if they didn’t work so hard doing this particular thing in the system?
We help them close the loop. We help them unburden. We help them gain freedom. We turn towards them rather than away from them.
“After I talked with the part of me that wished my dad wouldn’t have gone to seminary so far away, I gave this little girl stuck in time a voice. I retrieved her from the timeframe from long ago.
She was able to release some of the seriousness she had been carrying around for so long. I was delighted and surprised when she told me she wanted to tie her burdens to the tail of a kite - she wanted to go and play!”
When we spend time with our parts, whether in one IFS session or throughout a series of sessions and even on our own time, we acknowledge them, we give them a voice and we’re able to bring more calm to the chaos that is felt within. Imagine a bus, Tracy says.
At times, these exiles and protector parts get in the driver’s seat as a way of blending with us in both subtle and not-so-subtle ways; and we’re not always aware that they’ve blended or don’t have enough Self energy to respond compassionately to them. While we always want them on the bus, and we begin to acknowledge the ways they are truly trying to be helpful, we don’t need them to drive. When parts blend with us, this is when the addictions, neurosis and other issues manifest externally. The desire is to have Self in the driver’s seat. This creates a sense of calm and peace that has the power to transform our relationships with Self, God, others and creation into one of balance and harmony.
Loving Self
“Do I believe God performs miracles? Sure!” Tracy says. “Do I believe God invites us to collaborate and co-create in our own healing?”
Absolutely, she says.
In traditional therapy spaces, while helpful and deserving of a place at the table, talk of diagnosing and prescribing often dominates. Culture says we should just suck it up or push it down and rise above it - whatever it may be. But just like Tracy’s part who wanted to fly a kite, what if we could actually heal the thing inside of us by inviting it to tell the story inside of our System and unburden itself so that it can go back to being and doing what it was meant to do?
“Our parts never leave us, they belong,” Tracys says. “We need them. It is our role in IFS to build relationships with them so they can heal. So, we can heal. Once our parts are healed, they can go back to doing whatever they were doing when they originally came on board the bus.”
She also reminds us that Scripture invites us to love our neighbor as our Self. And adds, “Loving myself and loving my parts is a great example of this.”
Internal Family Systems (IFS) model encourages the eights C’s as individuals gain more awareness of their parts:
Confidence, calm, compassion, courage, creativity, clarity, curiosity, and connectedness.
IFS divides our parts into two categories: Protective parts and the parts that are protected and hidden away, known as the Exiles. The protective parts are divided into two types: Managers (protective parts) and Firefighters (reactive parts). Learn more about the ins and outs of IFS by visiting Tracy’s website Inside Out Spiritual Living.
Tracy DePue
“As a Level 1 Trained IFS Practitioner and spiritual director, my intent is to help clients gain more access to, and have a deeper experience with, their True Self energy and qualities that have gotten covered up with old beliefs and experiences.
Like a diamond, each of us has many facets. And like a rare, beautiful stone, our facets can become cloudy and dingy. But they can also be cleared up and shine once again - once we give those facets or parts the attention they’re needing. We can shine and bring light into the world once again.
Tracy’s spiritual director recently responded thoughtfully noticing, “It sounds like you are being invited to be Christ to your parts.”
I liked that, Tracy says.
This article was written by Emily Turner Watson. She is a trained spiritual director and writer. Send her a note!